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Keep your chin up, soldier.
7.21.8 - Dr. Joke
A family doctor, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist go hunting together. Hidden in the brush, they spot a duck. The family doctor raises his rifle to shoot, but at the last moment, he thinks, "I think it's a duck... but can I be sure?" and lowers his gun. The psychiatrist raises his rifle. "I know that's a duck," he thinks, "but does the duck know it's a duck?" and he lowers his gun as well. The surgeon aims, shoots, and kills the bird. Turning to the pathologist, he says, "Hey, let's go find out if that's a duck!"
2.21.8 - Essential
My favorite organ is the liver. The liver is the only intra-abdominal organ that is essential for life.* Any of the other viscera in your abdomen can be removed and some sort of medical magic performed to sustain life-- but not the liver. Every part of your gastrointestinal tract (esophagus, stomach, small intestine, large intestine) can be resected; we can give you nutrition parentally, create a false pouch to act as a food reservoir, collect your poop in an ostomy bag... Pancreas? Non-essential! We can give you insulin shots and exogenous pancreatic enzymes to help you digest. Your spleen is so expendable it's almost funny. We excise gallbladders for sport (no, actually, just kidding, but we do take 'em out if they're inflamed). One kidney is just as good as two-- and dialysis can get you by if you have none. No bladder? No problem! (Actually, now we're getting into the pelvis, but what the heck.)
So what about the liver? Its job as a metabolic clearinghouse is so complex and so vital that we haven't come up with anything to substitute for it. Isn't that cool?
* nota bene: "life" does not equate with "quality of life"
2.4.8 - I Miss Food and My Bed
Is is just me, or do these docs look really angry? Either that or really badass, like they're about to kick your butt or something:
The image is from the USMLE World website. They're trying to sell test-taking strategies and exam prep tools. I'm still trying to figure out what kind of psychology / reverse-psychology game they're playing at... trying to indimidate you into buying their stuff, maybe?
11.14.7 - Proud to be a New Jerseyan
I was bred in New Jersey. I was born in New Jersey. I was raised in New Jersey. I have never lived outside New Jersey. I learned to drive in New Jersey.
So today I'm merrily commuting home from the hospital at 15 mph over the speed limit in the left lane when some dickhead in a Jeep decides that I'm not going fast enough and he's going to tailgate me. My Jersey roots deeply offended, I allowed this to happen for several minutes before I became annoyed enough to liberally apply my brakes, suddenly and at random. Jeep continued to tailgate; apparently he was from New Jersey too. Incensed, I sped up and slammed on the brakes again, hoping this would frighten him off my ass. He turned on his highbeams. I slowed down to 55 mph and rode right next to another car to leave no room for passing. He gave up and fell back to a safe following distance. Victory!
Moral of the story? If you drive in New Jersey, you chance meeting psychotics like me (and Jeep; I must admit he put up an excellent fight) on the road. If you're not interested in risking your life on 70 mph games of chicken, you'd best avoid this crazy state altogether.
10.13.7 - October
I'd like to share some apropos Robert Frost with you. I've been getting up very early lately, and in the last week I have noticed that I am now up before the sun every day (although I have been getting up at the same time each day). This week, the weather finally broke into a brisk autumn, and it didn't happen overnight as it normally does, but during the day; on Tuesday, I walked into the hospital on a late summer morning and came out on a cold, early fall evening. These changes of season are the projections of the wheels of time turning onto our small spaces of life... a glimpse into something more magnificent than we could imagine.
October
O hushed October morning mild,
Thy leaves have ripened to the fall;
Tomorrow's wind, if it be wild,
Should waste them all.
the crows above the forest call;
Tomorrow they may form and go.
O hushed October morning mild,
Begin the hours of this day slow.
Make the day seem to us less brief.
Hearts not averse to being beguiled,
Beguile us in the way you know.
Release one leaf at break of day;
At noon release another leaf;
One from our treas, one far away.
Retard the sun with gentle mist;
Enchant the land with amethyst.
Slow, slow!
For the graps' sake, if they were all,
Whose leaves already are burnt with frost,
Whose clustered fruit must else be lost--
For the grapes' sake along the wall.
9.13.7 - SOAP Note
If I were to write a progress note on myself this week, it would go something like this...
Subjective: This is a 24 yo Asian female admitted for progressive insomnia, daytime sleepiness, and resting tremor. She states that she has been unable to sleep more than 6 hours per night in the last three weeks, because she is disturbed by a loud beeping sound each morning at 5:45 AM. In order to stay alert at work during the day, she admits to abusing coffee daily, but sometimes this does not prevent her from nodding off, particularly postprandially and in warm environments. She is also concerned because she has noticed a fine resting tremor of her hands, more pronounced after coffee use. No syncope, but Pt has mild intermittent headaches, and sometimes feels palpitations. No SOB, GI, or GU complaints. The Pt admits to being a medical student in the third year of training. Pt has never used tobacco, rarely uses EtOH, and has never used other drugs. Pt's diet consists of "whatever she can get," and she exercises by "running all around the hosptial."
Objective: The Pt is a WDWN, petite female in NAD, CAO x 3. Physical examination is significant for wide eyes, tachycardia, fine tremor of the hands. Psych exam is significant for anxiety, pressured speech, and use of medical jargon uncomprehensible to the layperson. PE is otherwise benign. Labs are significant for elevated serum caffeine. EKG is normal.
Assessment/ Plan:
1) Insomnia: in light of the beeping sound reported by Pt, this is most likely secondary to Alarm Clock, with a probable underlying etiology of Medical School. Other less probable diagnoses to consider in the differential include primary insomnia, underlying psychiatric disease, or obstructive sleep apnea; however, none of these are correlated with early morning beeping. For further diagnostic studies, consider treating empirically by asking Pt to unplug or remove the device from the sleep area, or sleep study if empiric treatment is unsuccessful. Consider counseling Pt to quit school and get a real 9-5 job, or if this is not possible, to get education about Time Management so that she can sleep at an earlier time in the evening. Discuss the importance of sleep hygiene.
2) Daytime sleepiness: in light of insomnia, this is most likely due sleep deprivation. Other less probable diagnoses include parasomnias or narcolepsy, but Pt's reports are not characteristic of sleep attacks. Treat empirically as above, and if no improvement, suggest sleep study.
3) Resting tremor: most likely etiology is caffeine toxicity, also with a underlying etiology of Medical School. Less likely causes include neurogenic tremor (such as EtOH wdwl, unlikely) and RLS. Detox Pt off caffeine using caffeine taper (1/2 decaf coffee x 2 days, then taper by 1/2 daily).
4) Caffeine abuse: Pt's history of caffeine abuse coincides exactly with years post baccalaureate. Unfortunately, Pt does not seem ready to quit at this time; Pt should be refered to primary care physician for continuing assessment of willingness to commence cessation programs. Discussed support groups for caffeine addiction w/ Pt.
5) F/E/N: Pt should be supplemented with a balanced diet and educated about proper nutrition. Time management education would, again, be beneficial for this patient.
6) Disposition: Pt should be monitored as inpatient for 2-3 days to prevent harm to self and others from complications of sleep deprivation (including, but not limited to, MVA caused by sleep at the wheel, parasomnias, and harm to others in the workplace).
8.30.7 - Sometimes My Mouth Hurts My Ass.
(And by that, I mean my mouth says something that gets my ass kicked.) It's almost September?!?? Holy crap, time flies when you're besieged from all sides by patients and sleep deprived! Oh well... this is my "hello, world!" for this week, and I wish all the best to you, world. Just please don't visit the ER on Friday night, okay?
8.23.7 - Laziness Feels Good
... but it gets old rather quickly. It's rather distressing that only 1 week of gloriously having nothing productive to do during the day has me itching to go to the hospital again. Oh well... one has to spend late nights catching up with old friends and then furiously knitting cashmere lace sometime, even if it does mean sleeping in 'til the cows come home in the morning (morning? you mean afternoon??). On someone's insistence, reading is updated to include HP 7... and now I'm spent. Goodday to all, and hope to see you someday soon when I actually have something interesting to say!
7.25.7 - The Hapless Medical Student
I phlebotomized mySELF yesterday! Go look up what that means. And then admire my great courage and daring. In other news, several friends of mine have started a new blog detailing the mishaps, mayhem, and 'musement that is clinical rotations. The Hapless Medical Student's blog is a place to document the steep learning curve that is third year... not to mention a public demonstration of sane people becoming insane people via 24 hour call and dealing with every psychosis known to man.
7.4.7 - From Sea to Shining Sea: New Jersey
To celebrate the birth of our nation today, I am going to tell you a little bit about why my home state of New Jersey is amazing. New Jersey? and amazing? in the same sentence? Yes.
I have to admit that I jumped at the opportunity to participate in the Pike's Peak Project to defend the state in which I was born and raised because, well, we native New Jerseyans are constantly put on the defense about our state. New Jersey is often mocked and put down in popular culture and literature. West coasters call us "a giant suburb of New York" and East coasters shrug off the entire state as a conglomerate of Turnpike exits. We are a paradox of industry in the Garden State, and boast the highest population density of any state in the nation (you have to wonder-- if it's so bad, why do so many people live here?).
A lot of what's wrong with people these days is really just a mixture of false preconception and pessimistic attitude. I am amazed that more people have not discovered the immense beauty in our small state. I grew up in the suburbs-- a great place to raise a family-- but within an hour's travel, and literally right under our very noses, are some of the most remote pine forests on the East coast-- the Pine Barrens. There is nothing like it anywhere else in the world: miles of sandy forest and an almost haunted feeling. Leave the industrialized belt that runs between New York and Philadelphia and you will find acres of beautiful, rolling farmland, lush bogs, and beaches with expansive views of the rising sun. Of any state in the union, New Jersey bears strongest witness to the arduous birth of our nation, and you can almost feel the presence of revolutionary ghosts on battlefields in Princeton, Trenton, and Monmouth. Especially on Independence Day, reflecting on how my modest and unassuming state was once the crossroads of the revolution fills me with a sense of awe. If you open your eyes, it's all within reach.
We live in a culture of excess and unfounded desire these days. We all want more, bigger, and better, and what the next guy has is always better than what we have. I think that the main point I have to make about New Jersey is that everything you could possibly want is already right here. You just have to stop straining to see over it to what's in the next guy's yard.
Oh... and I bet you didn't know that New Jersey grows more blueberries than any other state in the union!
This post is part of the Pike's Peak Promise: From Sea to Shining Sea project. Now, visit some other great states to the north, south, east, and west of me...
Click on any direction below to find other blogs participating in the Pike's Peak Project: From Sea to Shining Sea!
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My dear, beloved companion of 6 years has kicked the bucket. RIP, motherboard of IBM ThinkPad T22, the sturdiest portable computing machine ever built by man (or woman). Its replacement will be a brand new T61 with widescreen, 2GHz duo processor, and 2 GB memory in a couple of weeks (excited!)... and yeah, I was around when 128 MB of memory was a BIG freaking DEAL so don't rain on my parade too much...
I was sitting in the airport last night waiting to board my delayed flight when the officials at the gate announced that "passengers waiting for flight 1829 to Newark, your plane has just touched down. As soon as those on board DEPLANE and we clean the plane, we will begin boarding." I thought to myself, "deplane?? That has got to be the weirdest word I have ever heard. Don't we normally call that debarking?" I had a sudden epiphany about the words embark and debark. First of all, debark is actually short for disembark, and in both of them "bark" means "boat"-- just as barge, barque, and barca (in Spanish) all mean boat. I'd wager that when these words were coined, boats, rather than planes, were the main mode of transportation. The wider modern usage of the word "embark" to mean "begin a journey"-- either literally, be it in a plane, train, or boat; or figuratively just goes to show how fascinatingly malleable language can be. So what about those officials at the airport? They were just being super literal...
6.13.7 - Reflections on the USMLE (a.k.a. gluing my ass to a chair for 30 days while memorizing 10,000 pages worth of material)
First of all, let me just tell you what the sweet, sweet taste of freedom tastes like. Actually, never mind, I think all of my verbal abilities have been replaced by facts such as "the radial nerve innervates extensor muscles" and "oligodendroglioma cells look like fried eggs on H&E stain." Do you want to guess which one of those facts was actually tested?
So I've gone and done it, and am (assuming I passed) 1/3 of the way to being a licensed doctor. Scary, huh? After you read the following, I'd suggest that you go and find an M.D.-- any M.D.-- and give him/her a hug and your sincerest thanks for suffering quite so much in order to go into a profession where he/she has to listen to other people bitch and moan daily. It's almost supremely fitting that 2 years of studying and listening to lectures (wait, did I mean sleeping?) ended with the Greatest Cramfest Ever: 30 days of nothing but sleeping and studying (with the occasional crust of bread) in the hopes that that one extra fact about children being able to hop on one foot at the age of 4 might score you an extra 2 points on the exam (and damn those exam writers... after I memorized every detail of every child developmental stage, there was no question on that topic on my exam).
I went into the exam ready and slightly nervous (always the best combination for high performance) and expected to come out either 1) confident that I'd answered every single question right and given that bitch the smackdown or 2) freaked out that I'd answered every single question wrong and knew absolutely nothing about medicine and would die on the wards next year. In actuality, I came out with the most unexpected feeling-- I felt like I simultaneously knew nothing, but yet knew a crapload more than I had been tested on. The exam represented maybe only 5% of my total knowledge base and at the same time presented some topics where my only response (in my head) was "WTF??? eenie, meenie, meinee..." How's that for a twisted paradox? And how amazing is this new age of information we live in? You could know everything... and simultaneously know nothing! (On a totally tangential note, Al Gore has an interesting take on that in his new book.)
During the 35th minute of hour 7 of testing, I was in a state of near delirium (not drug-induced, haha...) when I saw a question stem that began with "Your patient is a 60 year old man who has recently returned from being stranded on a desert island for 6 months." Dude!! That was an actual question on my Boards! The test gods were smiling upon me in my 7th hour of need. And then I laughed out loud and incurred the wrath of the Prometric testing center supervisor, in the form of an evil eye.
Now it's just 2 more weeks before I and the rest of my class are unleashed upon the wards of a real hospital. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid. In the meantime, I'm going to try to recall what it was like to have this thing called "free time" and try every Riesling that's bottled in Monterey county.
5.28.7 - pseudopseudoWHAT?
It's been a while, and this is a lame excuse for an update... but I've had multiple time drains lately (the most obvious of which has been studying for The-Test-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named).
I came across a disease called pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism. This has to be the longest disease name I've ever seen. Can you imagine breaking the news to your patient? "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but your lab results have come back... and you have pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism." I don't think I'd be able to say that with a straight face! Luckily it's an exceedingly rare disease...
4.25.7 - The Typical Battered Woman...
DOES NOT EXIST.
- Domestic violence is about control. Domestic violence is a pattern of assaultive and controlling behavior as a MEANS to an END, where the desired end is POWER and CONTROL.
- Approximately 20% of ALL women have been sexually abused in their lifetimes. (This statistic just boggles my mind. That is 1 in every 5 women, many of whom may be your friends, colleagues, or neighbors...)
- Only 25% of these cases are reported.
- he has threatened to kill her if she leaves (in fact, she does have a greatly increased risk of being killed by her abusive partner if she leaves).
- there is a lack of real alternatives for housing, employment, and financial assistance.
- she does not want to end the relationship; she just wants the violence to stop.
- actually, up to 70% of battered women do eventually leave... it just takes them time and support to overcome their fear.
Domestic violence is a serious social problem-- not just because of those who are involved, but because of all the rest of us who don't understand what it's about (the abuser's desire for power and control) and place the blame in the wrong locus.
"The leeway a perpetrator feels he has
depends not on the response of the victim,
but on the response of the bystanders."
-- Sandra Bloom, M.D.
4.22.7 - Happy Earth Day!
Short one, as I'm in the midst of exams... but today would be a good day to plant a tree... or bring your own bags to the grocery store... or buy LOCAL produce... or research that new clean car you're going to buy next time you need a new vehicle... or figure out how exactly to fit all those solar panels on your roof... or insulate your house better... or reduce your waste... or bring your own cup to the coffee shop... or change to high-efficiency light bulbs... or just start remembering to turn off lights when you leave the room! There are a myriad tiny ways each of us can make a difference.
... check out Environmental Defense for more goodies.
4.10.7 - Myself in His Shoes
How many times have you been told to "put yourself in his shoes"? The admonition applies to countless situations encountered starting from the very first day of introduction to society in kindergarten or preschool. It is almost like a tool that a child can use to go from the inner world of the Ego to the outer world of interpersonal relationships. It is an imperfect tool, because there is no perfect sympathy without becoming the other person. But without the conscious (and often difficult) act of imagining what it would be like to face another person's circumstances, one is left with an unbalanced sense of self that has no understanding of its place in the world. In other words, the Putting of Myself in His Shoes is what allows me to understand his motivations, value system, and by logical extension, his actions. It supposedly allows for a fairer analysis of the person's inner character and potential, one untainted by the silver spoons or belt lashes thrown at him by the outside world.
Some of us develop this skill more than others. Is it possible to be too empathetic? Yes-- young doctors in training, for example, are warned time and again that emotional overinvolvement in the lives of patients can only lead to early burnout-- a final smothering, by dying along with our patients one too many times, of that flame that keeps us interested in our profession. But I would argue that it is far worse not to be empathetic enough; never to have that healthy desire for a truly fair assessment of the world, to be complacent in provinciality if it makes life easier.
I am thinking about all this because right now I am sick, and this gives me the perfect chance to Put Myself in His Shoes-- the shoes of all of the sick patients I have seen and will see in the future. As miserable as it makes me to wake up with chills for several nights in a row, how might it feel to be a woman with TB in a third-world country who experiences that for months on end, and with only death to look forward to? As painful as my aches may be, as debilitating as my fatigue may be; how might it feel to be a patient with end-stage cancer and only a fentanyl patch to ease the suffering, unable ever to get out of bed again to do the things she loves?
4.2.7 - Canaries are to Mines as Chickens are to...
...Disney World! Apparently, the state of Florida keeps a "chicken surveillance program" for Eastern Equine Encephalitis (EEE). Chickens are set free to roam about the theme parks (and you can actually see them wandering around if you are observant enough), and tested periodically for antibodies to EEE. When the antibody titers are high enough, the level of alertness is raised and Disney shuts down its nighttime light show to decrease the risk of human park-goers contracting the virus from mosquito bites.
3.29.7 - Awkward Moments and NPR
I was in the middle of congratulating myself on a smooth move today while I was with a patient-- but not a moment too soon! My patient's daughter (a really nice young woman who was actually a really helpful memory aid) had stepped out of the room for a moment, and I seized the moment to ask about sexual relations! This is an incredibly important, even if sometimes uncomfortable subject, to bring up with patients. I was proud of myself for 1) capturing the perfect moment so that the patient wouldn't be uncomfortable answering my questions, and 2) being brave enough/ open enough to ask. I had originally considered asking the question in my mind, but decided against creating a possibly awkward moment by asking the patient about his sexual life in front of his daughter. And then the perfect moment presented itself! And then the perfect moment died as my patient was talking about his impotence and his daughter walked back into the room. Yeah...
I've been listening to Science Friday on my iPod a lot to stay informed on recent developments, and it's really interesting stuff. In the last week or two, there have been a couple of fascinating discussions on the new HPV vaccine (ask me: I'm educated) and new research indicating that coronary stents are no more effective than medications at decreasing cardiac mortality in people with blocked coronaries (although, to be fair, they do decrease symptoms of angina). Today my knowledge of current events paid off three times in interactions with doctors and patients. I think I'll continue this habit!
3.27.7 - Practice Makes...
Not perfect, but more ingrained. I've always been a bit afraid of driving the ambulance, because I really, really suck at reversing it. I also happen to be way better at patient care, so the balance of skills usually works out. It just goes to show that sometimes you need to stick yourself out there and just do it, or you're stuck in a vicious cycle of incompetency. Not good, therefore no use of the skill. No practice of the skill, therefore not good. And, after three nights of driving (and one night of forced crew-chiefing), I can honestly say that I've managed at least to quell the fear of reversing into the spots at Princeton and driving to Hamilton. I've got to get out and just do it more.
It's very strange... crew chiefing also presents a completely reversed perspective of from that of the person providing patient care. The CC thinks of everything EXCEPT the patient! What are the logistics of moving the ambulance, what are the logistics of loading the patient, what are the logistics of getting the patient down stairs, what are the logistics of driving, what are the logistics of communicating with dispatch, what are the logistics of communicating with ALS... see a pattern? Interesting. Not preferable, but interesting.
Our pediatric patient this morning at 5:20 AM was too tired to run away from me. A victory for the peds-challenged!
I also have for you the pointless observations of a tired person at 6:30 AM. It seems that a soda can can be balanced on the edges of its two bottom rims so that it stands diagonally instead of vertically (I know I'm probably doing a terrible job of explaining this, but hopefully at least getting the point across...). But only when there is a certain amount of fluid inside! Because the center of gravity is too high if there is too much liquid, and too high if there is not enough liquid (the can itself has weight).
3.21.7 - Indubitable Injustice
I have no appetite. My stomach is growling and painful, but the thought of eating food right now makes me feel sick. I'll probably go stuff something in there soon before I go out for mini med school, just because I know it would be a bad idea to go without dinner until 10 pm. I'm full enough of anger.
Our psychiatric patient today had a history of being sexually abused by her father, her uncle, and older brother, all under the influence of the date-rape drug. Both of her parents abused her emotionally and physically as a child, and then she found out that those were not her real parents. Let me rephrase that, since sometimes just saying "emotionally and physically abused" is incredibly vague and doesn't quite convey the rawness to a complacent reader. This child was beaten with a belt repeatedly. She was raped by multiple relatives in her own bed at home. She was denied affection as a child and socialization with her peers as an adolescent. As an innocent child, she was emotionally abandoned, repeatedly broken down by everyone around her, and disowned by the very people who were supposed to love and nurture her.
She tried repeatedly to get out of her hell. And for someone who went through hell, one would expect her to be full of hatred and bitterness. But she had a heart of gold. In her deepest depression, she swallowed an entire bottle of Tylenol to kill herself, but called 911 because she realized that if she died she would be unable to take care of the patients in the nursing home where she worked.
After the patient left the room, I asked what might be expected in the form of recovery for this patient. What constitutes "successful treatment" for someone who has suffered injustice and sexual abuse all her life? How can anyone be expected to recover from that-- and what would that "recovery" look like? Our preceptor, Dr. D, told us that in order for victims of abuse to recover, they must be extremely motivated. The treatment is intensive and difficult, involving a combination of pharmacology and psychotherapy (A LOT of psychotherapy), but in the end, the "picture" of recovery is a person who has learned to let go of the past, and "move on."
I am so angry. Nobody deserves a life like this, and yet millions of women suffer violence each year. And the outcome of all this violence is some sort of hell: a combination of depression, lost self-worth, broken dreams and broken minds. These broken minds might have hallucinations or just recurring nightmares about the last time they were violated. Or they might turn to drugs to drive away the memories. Or they might be unable ever again to connect emotionally with the rest of the world. Our patient expressed a desire to "start fresh" and "just live a normal life." How can any person be expected to survive being raped by her own father night after night-- and live a normal life? People have enormous abilities to cope and to adapt to life... but no one should ever have to cope with this.
How would you feel if you had gone through what she had? Sad? Angry? Isolated? Vindictive? Like you want to kill yourself? I asked myself that question, but after empathizing for a few minutes with the patient who had just spent more than an hour telling us exactly how she felt after her experience, the question morphed in my mind. It became... "why did this happen to her? why not me?" And I realized that it's one thing to be able to feel sorry for someone who has had injustice committed against her, but that feeling, more accurately described as "pity," does nothing to get at the basis of an INJUSTICE. It could have happened to me, instead-- it could have happened to you. And when I looked at it that way, I was able to more clearly feel what it meant to say "this is morally wrong." Because I always knew that it was wrong, but there are some things that you don't truly understand until you meet them in the flesh-- and then you feel them so viscerally that there is no question.
I'm lucky that I'm in a profession where it's my job to help people deal with this problem. Even more important, it's my job to be the sentinel, the one who can find each small case in the sea of humanity, and coax her out to get the help she needs. It's not enough though. It's not enough unless this stops happening altogether to people who would otherwise be beautiful and bright-- until they stop getting pulled into the hole for no good reason. But how can I stop it?
3.18.7 - Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. Have Integrity.
First of all, lest you find my right to give this entry that title debatable, I give you Exhibits A and B:
A: My toothpaste, which will probably last me another 4 to 5 days
B: My Psychiatric Clinical Interviewing folder. It does, indeed, say "European History" on it-- from the first time I used it in the twelfth grade for AP Euro.
So, as you can see, reducing and reusing are not so hard to do. I'm not even going to talk about recycling-- it's so easy. Earth is worth it! I think I can find some way to attribute almost all of the things that go wrong in the world-- from everyday aggravations to major catastrophes-- to two things: laziness and greed.
I volunteered to teach Mini Med School again this year, so a couple of weeks ago I was roped into being on a panel about "Life in Medical School." I sat next to a fourth year who is planning to go into psychiatry, and actually got something out of her advice. She said that she kept a journal throughout medical school detailing her thoughts and feelings as she went through the process of indoctrination (heh) into the world of medicine. By the time she applied for residency, she had a treasure trove of experiences to refer to as she wrote her essays. Good advice from a good person. So I've decided that my goal will be to update this page more often, and with more profundity.
I'm going to start off by saying a little something about integrity. At Princeton we had an "honor code," which meant that 1) we were not supposed to cheat on our exams, and 2) if we saw other people cheating on an exam it was our duty to report them. The way this honor code manifested itself was an incredibly open exam-taking atmosphere: students arrived at exams, the tests were handed out, and the professor left the room to sit in his office. Students were free to leave the room to use the bathroom, and sometimes even to find the professor in his office if there were any questions. The absence of proctors in exam rooms signified a trust between the faculty and student body-- not only that we had the maturity and integrity to take an exam without cheating, but that we understood and abided by our duty and responsibility to report our peers if we saw them doing wrong.
Fast forward to medical school. Here, we have an honor code, too: every time we take an exam, we sign a statement that indicates that we will refrain from giving or receiving assistance during the exam, and that we will report others if we see the same happening. But here, the presence of proctors in the room is almost suffocating. In some exams, we have had proctors stationed at each corner of the room for the duration of the exam, nearly breathing down our necks. In some exams, only one student is allowed to leave the room to use the bathroom at a time, and then only after he or she has signed a sheet with the time out and time in.
When I speak with my classmates, the universal reaction to my undergraduate experience with the exam honor code is one of surprise and unfamiliarity. I get the sense that actually living the honor code-- not just paying it lip service-- is an experience entirely unique to Princeton. And this makes me sad and not a little worried. Isn't it all the more important to live by the honor code in medical school? Isn't it important to train future doctors to abide by the highest standards of integrity? One of the scariest things about medicine is doctors who "cheat"-- who make mistakes repeatedly and don't admit them, or who see other doctors make mistakes and don't report them. How about doctors who purposefully "cheat" the Medicare system? (Does that sound familiar?) Would you want someone who might be your doctor in the future only to have given lip service to the "honor code" in medical school, knowing full well that he wouldn't have to antagonize the student next to him by reporting the cheating that he saw-- because that was the job of a proctor in the room? I wouldn't. And I know that there is cheating that goes on in our class. It disheartens me that people who will have the care of others' lives would have so little integrity.
3.14.7
Been a while, but it's the annual PI DAY shoutout! It's hard to believe that it's been a whole year since I last wished the virtual world a happy Pi Day. It seems that life moves quickly when you're studying.
Today, I finally found a store that carries Longmorn, but I chickened out of buying it. Apparently it's a particularly rare brand of scotch, and for no reason I can fathom (it's super tasty) except that maybe connoisseurs think it's cool to keep it a "secret"? Ever since we saw the bottom of our last bottle, I've been hunting for it without success-- I think I've combed every local spirits dealer in all three of my native locales. Well... Township Discount Liquors on Stelton Road, you now have my heart.
I was reflecting on my Emack Attack the other day, and attempting to remember the order in which I ate the flavors. I think I went for a hybrid of the "save the best for last" and "eat light sorbets last when you feel need to barf" algorithms. I'm pretty sure I started out with peanut butter cup (richest/least favorite) and ended with the two sorbets, but the rest of the order betwixt is lost to the mists of my memory.
1.23.7
Wounds heal by scar formation. Anywhere on the body or in the body, when a process does damage the body sends in its most versatile cells to begin the process of healing. They divide and overcome the wound with new, revascularized granulation tissue. They signal to each other and reproduce, fighting an exhausting battle to lay down the groundwork to rebuild the damaged tissue anew. They lay down a structural matrix, and if the wound has opened, they even change phenotype and become contractile, their tiny bodies straining to pull the two sides closed.
At first, the wound is tender and the new scar is easy to damage, but over months, a new, tough outer layer of epithelial tissue grows over the granulation tissue to form a scar that is just as tough as the original tissue. Some scars heal without a blemish-- you would never know there was a wound there in the first place; some heal with great exuberance and stand proudly, or sometimes painfully, above the original tissue. We don't really know why; people's scars seem to vary just as widely as their characters.
The purpose of scars is to allow our bodies to heal, to go on living and working; the body's amazing ability to form scars means that life does not have to end just because some injury has been sustained, some wound inflicted, some pain felt.
My hands are covered in scars. There are the ones from the knife accident, the telescope injury (!), the bike experience, the rough hike through thorn bushes, the canoe paddle, the cello strings, the ambulance door... to me, the scars say, "These are hands that do things. These hands are unafraid because they know their abilities and do not hesitate to use them." The thing about scars is that they allow us to be more than just passive observers of life. Scars give us the ability to do and to build, to gamble a bit of pain for endeavours truly worth the effort of our hands and minds. So use your ability to make them, use it as often as you can, and use it for the best reasons you can find.
1.13.7
I've been accused of being excellent granny material because of my minor knitting hobby *cou-obsession-gh*, and now the secret's out-- I read knitting blogs. Yes, actually quite a few of them, even... but there's one in particular that I'm thinking of right now, because the author is incredibly creative-- and most importantly, has a good heart. So when she, a total stranger, asked for donations of 7" squares to make a quilt for a Habitat for Humanity family, I signed up thinking it would be a super fun project to see come together. And I certainly was proven right! If you go over to her site right now, you will see the coolest looking quilt ever... it even has tags on each of the squares from knitters all over the country with warm wishes. My square is light pink :o)
If you happen to knit, you should totally volunteer for this! 7" squares are no sweat at all... and it's so rewarding to see your work combined with the work of other people from all over the place, all for a good cause!
1.6.7
Happiness Makes Up In Height For What It Lacks In Length.
I used to love that quote, which also happens to be similar to another I liked from the book "The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" (which I have, sadly, forgotten-- something like "life is short, but it is wide"). Imagine my surprise and excitement when I found out today that it is the title of a Robert Frost poem! Here is the whole thing:
Oh, stormy stormy world,
The days you were not swirled
Around with mist and cloud,
Or wrapped as in a shroud,
And the sun's brilliant ball
Was not in part or all
Obscured from mortal view
Were days so very few
I can but wonder whence
I get the lasting sense
Of so much warmth and light.
If my mistrust is right
It may be altogether
From one day's perfect weather,
When starting clear at dawn,
The day swept clearly on
To finish clear at eve.
I verily believe
My fair impression may
Be all from that one day
Not shadow crossed but ours
As though its blazing flowers
We went from house to wood
For change of solitude.
Poetry (along with other things of pleasure), alas, shall now again become obscured by pages and pages of medical facts... what a stormy stormy world. But I don't believe my mistrust is right.
11.10.6
Steph, Dave and I watched Rutgers defeat Louisville last night in the most awesome football game ever. I don't ever watch football, and haven't really ever understood it much, but it's always the best when you watch with someone knowledgeable (like when I watched HS games with Mel and Carl). This time it was Steph who was giving the commentary (because she is the resident football genius-- this girl can call a game in like the first 10 min).
The game was inspiring, for so many different reasons. First, there was the amazing turnout and spirit, because Rutgers is such an underdog story... the game has been hyped to no end for the last week-- even the amber alert signs on Rt 18 and on the Turnpike say things like "Go Rutgers" and "Expect Delays: RU Football" and it almost seems like all of NJ has turned out in spirit to cheer for our home team. I spoke to Alex, who had been in the 6th row, afterwards, and he noted that no one from NJ has ever felt so much school spirit in his life. People were so excited and happy, it was infectious. Amazing. Second, if football can be a metaphor for life, then this was really an example of "you win when you WANT to win." In a lot of situations (in football and life), prevailing is about building momentum and keeping that drive going when you need it most. And when you have to push through a swarm of 300 pound defenders to make the run, half of it is about whether or not you know in your own mind that you can do it. Will. Determination. Did you give up because you didn't believe in yourself? Or did you give up before the game even started because you did yourself the injustice of not practicing hard enough, not honing your skills enough? Can you perform under pressure? All of these questions are ones that I haven't focused on in a long while (especially since I stopped competing in the "sport" of my previous life-- piano performance), but would like to bring back into my daily life. Asking yourself these questions can only improve your performance on everything you do.
PS: I'm normally more prone to sarcasm and jokiness, so I recognize that my reflections today probably seem a bit cheesy, but humor me, okay?
PPS: The best part was when the fans rushed the field with 1 second to go and the state police told them to make a U-turn... it was really funny to watch the crowd go "yeah!! we won!!! rushing field! oh... police? TURN AROUND!!"
10.23.6
It's been a while. But there have been hats and scarves to knit, and things to do, and EXAMS to "beast" (as Aaron so delicately put it)... Speaking of "beasted" medical school exams, I present to you the vanguard of tomorrow's American doctors, training to assimilate the state of the art into tomorrow's medical practices, providing expert diagnosis and superior quality care:
teehee...
8.27.6
How much do I hate WalMart? On a scale from 0 to HATE, I'd say I'm at HATE+. I get WalMart induced headaches if I spend more than 5 minutes in there, and I feel like Aeneas emerging from the underworld once I pass the checkout... so heroic and daring (minus the muscled physique).
On a separate note, I finished an Emack Attack (15 scoops of Emack and Bolio's ice cream) while I was on duty on Friday, and it took only 45 minutes. I'm the first person to accomplish this in West Windsor!
Here's my attack, containing chocolate, vanilla, stawberry, oreo, cookie dough, kahlua chip, espresso, junior mint, grasshopper pie, mud pie, caramel moose tracks, purple cow, pistachio, raspberry sorbet, and passionfruit sorbet:
Halfway there, I wanted to take a break, but was advised by my sagelike peers to "DIG!"
I didn't really think I'd have much of a problem with the quantity of ice cream presented (anyone who's known me for any length of time knows my crazed ice cream consumption levels on a normal basis), but one thing I didn't account for was the hypothermia induced by inserting large quantities of a freezing substance into the internal milieu. By the end of the 4th scoop, I was shivering uncontrollably. Luckily, I was accompanied by physiologically savvy EMT's, who promptly provided me with a sweatshirt and hot packs from the ambo (as Aaron likes to term it) to heat up my armpits and groin while I ate. The strategy was successful, as you can see:
8.22.6 (retroactive)
Ryan posted a puzzle on Yall, which forced me to forego studying for an hour to solve it. I haven't used my whiteboard in more than a year! It still had thesis scribbles on it. It just goes to show the difference in thinking between computer science and medical school... sort of sad, really. Oh well. Here's the puzzle:
This puzzle, reportedly by Einstein, is difficult and Einstein said that 98% of the people in the world could not figure it out. Which percentage are you in?
There are five houses in a row in different colors. In each house lives a person of a different nationality. The five owners drink a different drink, smoke a different brand of cigar and keep a different pet, one of which is a Walleye Pike.
The question is-- who owns the fish?
Hints:
1. The Brit lives in the red house.
2. The Swede keeps a dog.
3. The Dane drinks tea.
4. The green house is on the left of the white house.
5. The green house owner drinks coffee.
6. The person who smokes Pall Malls keeps birds.
7. The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhills.
8. The man living in the house in the center drinks milk.
9. The man who smokes Blends lives next to the one who keeps a cat.
10. The Norwegian lives in the first house.
11. The man who keeps a horse lives next to the one who smokes Dunhills.
12. The owner who smokes Bluemasters drinks beer.
13. The German smokes Princes.
14. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.
15. The man who smokes Blends has a neighbor who drinks water.
And here is my solution:
8.14.6 (retroactive)
Kim gave me this awesome birthday present combining two of my favorite things, and I had to take a picture of it before I could eat it... yes, it's a chocolate ambulance, accompanied by a chocolate star of life, chocolate syringe, and chocolate BP cuff... who knew such amazing things even existed?
7.18.6
I arrived home yesterday afternoon to find that a large tube had come in the mail. It turned out to contain copies of the Juggleville poster I designed for Jacob & his Vandyballs in the spring, and if you know Jacob you know that anything that has to do with Jacob always comes with an extra-special dose of "awww, how sweet/cute/cool/creative!" So I had 2 copies of the poster in there, and one of them was signed by all the jugglers! Which meant that it was cool enough to:
1) hang up on the wall
2) take a picture of
3) write an update about
So there it is, hanging on the wall in the position of honor between my lists of arm and leg muscles and under Harry Potter: Years 1-6:
----
Today I demonstrated an act of opposite spazziness... somehow my alarm clock didn't go off at 7 AM like it was supposed to so I woke up at 8:56 and went "oh fiddlety crap!" and was late for work by an hour. Oh well... I guess that balances out last Friday...
7.14.6
Today I demonstrated yet another act of spazziness... somehow my alarm clock got set forward an hour so I woke up at 6 AM this morning not 7 AM... I kept noticing strange things when I woke up, like:
1) Why is the sun not up as much as it usually is when I get up at 7?
2) Why is Stephanie still asleep?
3) Wow! The traffic is REALLY light.
4) There are NO other customers at Dunkin Donuts?!?
So, as you can tell, it wasn't until AFTER I'd gotten my morning coffee and donut that I looked at the clock in my car and did a double-take. By then it wasn't even like I could roll over and go back to sleep.
The last time I was such a spaz involved shopping for groceries at the Asian mart for 45 min., going to the checkout line, and realizing I didn't have my wallet.
7.11.6
If you have ever watched soldiers in parade standing at attention as the rows slowly file by and thought to yourself "It can't be THAT hard," think again. Anyone who has ever watched any sort of military parade and admired the pageantry and aesthetic should find a soldier and give him a BIG hug because he deserves it.
Today, I participated in funeral services for Lt. Hillman, a member of the WWPD who passed away last week. The service in church was beautifully delivered, followed by a procession along a one-mile route from the church to the burial ground. Police in front, fire and EMS behind. When we got to the cemetery, we stood at attention (with various breaks for salute) while everyone in uniform filed by, one by one, to pay last respects. I honestly can't even say how long the whole exercise took (half an hour? 45 min? an hour?); my sense of time was warped by the scorching heat (it must have been over 90 degrees). Several people collapsed. I have a newfound and deep respect for anyone who is able to do this sort of thing on a regular basis, in uniform, without wavering... it takes a tough mind and a tough body. Shift your weight onto the balls of your feet to relieve pain? Are you kidding? By the end I had tried my weight on every millimeter of my feet-- and all of them were out of circulation!
I didn't know Lt. Hillman personally, but I know that I worked at least a few EMS calls with him. Suffice it to say that our officers are the best around-- there's no comparison. May he rest in peace.
Oh, and whoever invented navy blue summer dress uniform... what the heck were you thinking??
7.7.6
Tomorrow's gonna be a really cool date. And I'm mostly liberal, but the NY Times is a... well, read for yourself:
m: The NY Times is such a friggin liberal whore... "For Gay Rights Movement, a Key Setback - By PATRICK HEALY - Thursday's court ruling against gay marriage came as a shocking insult to gay rights groups."
j: lol
j: yea they're pretty bad
m: I mean, I'm liberal too, but when you tout this ruling as a "ban against gay marriage" that's just called umm... "spin"
m: hahah... here's another act of liberal prostitution: "TV Watch: President Has a Smooth Ride on 'Larry King Live' - By ALESSANDRA STANLEY - The talk show host gave President Bush a chance to defend his policies without risk of interruption or follow-up."
m: they might as well have ended that title with "GOD FORBID!"
j: hahaha
j: that's really bad actually
j: do people realize that they're reading this?
j: I feel bad for America
m: I mean, nytimes is my homepage when I open explorer, so I do read it
m: but I do also laugh at it and take a large beaker of salt
j: hahahah
7.6.6
I'm paging through last month's issue of Gold Cross (an EMS magazine) and came across this great advertisement for the Acute Stroke Program at UMDNJ Newark. It's this black background with a glowing picture of a brain almost like one of those anti-drug adverts, and in big letters it says,
Time Is Brain
Oh... laffing so hard it hurts... anyway...
7.5.6
I haven't looked at my stats in a while, mainly because I haven't really updated regularly. I took a look today, however, and according to my website stats, a top web search string that produced hits on my site in July was "getting cut with dirty scalpel while dissecting cadavers." Now that's just plain funny.
Another thing I found out was that people were entering this site to look at my object-oriented programming project from COS 597. It made me happy that that is still being useful to someone out there.
Been working on summer projects:
1) Cards. Gonna fulfill that dream of getting them into a craft fair in October, probably.
2) Gonn' try my hand at screen printing. Ordered a dozen t-shirts (good quality ones) and ink the other day... Gonna use the bootleg curtain material-and-embroidery hoop/glue method to print my own designs. If they turn out well, mebbe they'll get sold along with the cards come craft fair time.
3) Sorbet-making. Feel free to send flavor suggestions. So far, I've found that mango nectar and OJ make a great combination. A dash of liquer is fun, but if I put too much in, my alcohol dehydrogenase runs away in mortal fear (I keep telling it to grow a set of balls, but hey, it's genetics, what can you do?).
7.4.6
Happy Birthday, America!
All-call fever.
I went to watch the fireworks with Donald at Mercer County Park on Saturday-- yes, our county bureaucracy decreed that thou shalt celebrate Independence Day on the most convenient day of the week-- and hung out with the firefighters so we got front row seats. Nothing is never new-- Leahy was regaling people with the story of my legendary devouring at TGI Friday's, Don was jumping up and down at the thought of explosives, and the traffic was up the wazoo coming out at the end.
Today, I received a piece of mail addressed to Dr. Emily S. Huang. It didn't take too long for my inner voice to rush into full panic now-hold-your-horses-not-so-fast-oh-crap-did-I-miss-something-while-spacing-out??? mode. I opened it and it was some sort of solicitation, but it began with "Dear Dr. Huang,..." I was very amused. Three years too early, my dears.
Yesterday I watched this new TV show, "Saved." I saw the ads on for it while I was at home in CA at the beginning of break and was really excited about it. A show about medics! Lots of excitement, and saving lives on the road! And I was so disappointed. After half an hour I only kept watching because of the embarassing fact that watching a TV show about EMS people was such a great ego trip. At the end, I was thinking "Wow, an hour has gone by, and nothing interesting has happened at all! No interesting cases, no intellectual stimulation, no character development, no humor..." Honestly, folks, even soap operas are better than this stuff.
6.15.6
I went in for cardiac surgery teaching conference yesterday, followed by M&M (morbidity and mortality conference), followed by general surgery grand rounds. I discovered, to my dismay, that grand rounds don't continue throughout the summer-- yesterday was the last one until September. Great! Right when I actually have time to attend them. M&M is the most interesting discussion, although it really did get me thinking about liability issues. I don't have to go into lab the whole day every day... which means that half of the time I'm trying to come up with things to do to fill the time. Grand rounds was supposed to take up some time. Maybe I should get a THIRD job for the summer... I've always wanted to be a barista...
Dave lured me over to his TWO THOUSAND member (still can't get over that) church with promises of free Chinese food. It turned out to be a 50-dish potluck of home-cooked food made by real Chinese grandparents. Whoa. His church elder spoke to us about geriatrics for a while. And we had a nice talk for a couple of hours, which made me miss 73. Shoutout to 73!
4.4.6
Amy (aka Lizard Breath) had the following hilarious email correspondence with a potential subletter today...
Amy Chao 12:44 am (22 hours ago) (application for sublet):
Your name: Amy Chao
Organization: (We must have an organizational affiliation.) University of California San Francisco Neonatal Brain Disorders Center
How many people are you? Who? 1 - just me that will be staying
When do you need a room? From when to when? 06/01 - 07/14 preferably
What is your situation? Why are you seeking a short-term room? I am a first year medical student at Robert Wood Johnson Medical School in New Jersey and will be researching at UCSF this summer.
Where are you staying now? How long have you been there? Townhouse apartments close to my school. Been here since August 2005, when I matriculated in my current school.
What work will you be doing while here? Researching at UCSF.
Where will you go when you leave here? To live with boyfriend since there will be room in his apartment in July.
Do you expect to have visitors? Who? How often? At most 1 friend that may stay overnight for a weekend while visiting from out-of-state. Boyfriend may come by once in a few days, but I expect to be at his place and at the research site most of my day.
Thanks for your time!
Cozyrooms 3:49 am (19 hours ago):
I’m sorry but there’s no overnight guests – visiting friends can not stay here. Boyfirend in the city is not workable – it is inevitable that he will be here and will want to stay - am not interested in bed checks. Sorry. Good luck.
Amy Chao 8:38 pm (2˝ hours ago):
Hello,
Thank you for getting back to me so quickly. I understand that there are no overnight guests, so I don't mind the fact that you will not be renting to me. However, I think you are extremely rude and unprofessional for implying that my boyfriend and I cannot and would not respect the house expectations. Bed checks? We are no longer in middle school, I thought that this place was for professional scholars who are adults.
Sincerely,
Amy
Cozyrooms 10:05 pm (1 hour ago):
Take your self-righteous lectures and stick them in your ear. I have had many people here and I know what happens when a boyfriend is living near by. Your response underscores why I would not rent to you – a puffed up so-an-so who thinks she is superior. Go on to the next option.
Amy Chao 10:05 pm (1 hour ago):
I wouldn't be the one who is calling me a "puffed up so-an[d]-so." Thank you for associating me with being superior, I do appreciate that. I am glad to move onto the next option. Please do not contact me further.
Best,
Amy
Cozyrooms 10:45 pm (31 minutes ago): Go away with your self-important arrogance. I have been renting rooms with for a VERY long time and I am a psychologist and I have a very lot of rentals and I am very very good at tuning into folks to QUICKLY reveal problem persons just like you.
Look at you – harassing me. Am I sorry to not have a problem person like you around? Duh?
Thank you so much for disclosing what a big problem person and DRAG you are. Thank you so much for my avoiding having to deal with a puffed up prissy like you. No amount of money could get me to put up with a puffed up, self-important problem person like you.
Of course, your boy friend would be staying here and sneaking around. Of course!!!!!! Obviously and of course. And that is why you are on such a defensive binge.
So go away now girly and stop harassing me. There is absolutely no reason for you to contact me again with your silly, self-righteous blubber.
GO AWAY! STOP BOTHERING ME with your “I’m so important” teenager lectures, Ms Full of Yourself. I do not rent to anyone with a boyfriend or girlfriend down the street – ever!!!!!!
“Best’ you say – you phony. You do NOT wish me the best. What crap!!!!! Get lost, Chicky
STOP HARASSING ME.
PS. Make sure to edit my reply so that you can feel even more superior, Lizard Breath.
Amy Chao 11:13 pm (3 minutes ago):
If you did not understand, I asked you politely to leave alone. In fact, I did not harass you, I sent you replies to your emails to explain the situation. Please realize that if anyone is doing any harrassment, it would be you.
I do not wish to further any conversation with you, I hope you will respect that. I have been nothing but civil with you, and frankly your lack of professionalism and respect is appalling. I do not think that my actions warranted any of your name-calling and presumptuous comments ( i.e. girly, blubbler, lizard breath?), which were completely unfounded.
I will be blocking you for my email account because apparently you cannot respect my wishes for you to cease contact with me. Rest assured that when I find the time, I will make the way that you run your business known to the greater Berkeley community and Craigslist so that people do not need to deal with any unnecessary unpleasantness.
Best,
Amy
3.14.6
Happy Pi Day, electronic world! This morning, even NPR was talking about Pi day, which made the geek inside incredibly bubbly and happy and excited. I didn't bother to try to subdue my glee too much, but I had to a little bit because I was in the car and you know what sorts of bad things can happen to a person in the throes of unsubdued glee while driving.
Over the weekend, I took an EMT refresher taught by a woman called Spanky. Apparently, the bank didn't like her original middle name, and managed to rechristen her checks with the new and bizarre moniker. I am sad to say that Spanky probably thought that I was a total clusterf**k, because not only was I late to each class (for a different and horrible reason each time), but I also got a flat tire, was terribly sick, and forgot my training fund paperwork daily in turns during the course. In fact, on Sunday, I drove home during lunch (on my donut spare tire) to get the paperwork and returned to the Squad... without the paperwork. I know I'm a bit of an absentminded spaz, but I'm not usually that bad. There was a light at the end of the tunnel, though-- as of today, all four of my tires have been changed to brand new, I am able to eat solid food, and have faxed in the paperwork-- and I found out yesterday that I was selected to be the Editor of the Student Handbook (meaning extra summer fun, and, of course, extra summer income)!
I was fiddling through old files, and I found my Dale Fellowship application from Princeton. I read through it, just out of curiosity, and was just laughing out loud at the following paragraph. I wonder if they didn't give me the fellowship because they thought I was a bit touched in the head?
"Between the ages of six and eighteen, when I arrived at college, it was a rare day that I did not touch a piano. You often hear the standard twaddle about the wretched child stuck inside practicing while others are outside scampering in the sun, but to me, my situation was ideal. When I wasn’t consorting with Beethoven and Liszt (& co.) at the keyboard, they accompanied me everywhere daily, whispering strains of music in my ears—on a bus… in a bird song… in a commercial… In return for my diligence, I was allowed to take part in a grand conspiracy to help music infiltrate every corner of my world."
It's a world in which scientists liken molecules to micro mousetraps, so it can't be such a bad world after all, can it?
1.12.6
Have you ever had that general under-the-weather feeling due to a cold or flu? You can thank your immune system for that. The feeling of malaise is NOT due to the pathogen that's infecting your body, but the chemicals secreted by your own body's immune system in response. Do you wonder why your throat hurts when infected, or why a cut turns red and hurts? It seems counterproductive-- why would you want to feel like shit while you're infected? What's the point? But there's at least one really good reason. The tired feeling may keep you from exerting yourself so that your body can focus its resources on fighting the infection; the painful feeling may make you aware of the fact that your hand has a cut on it, and remind you to keep the cut away from whatever dirty things you may be doing-- so that your body's efforts to clean it and heal it might not be in vain.
12.7.5
Been a while, ent it? I needed something to occupy myself as I listen to the Beatles' #1 hits (just heard "We can work it out" and currently going through "Day tripper") in my current brain-dead state. I wouldn't be updating, except that the things I usually use to occupy myself through my spare time (like STUDYING!) have either lost appeal for the time being (overstimulation), or I can't really do right now, like KNITTING. Why can't I knit, you ask? Well, I spent four hours (ALONE!) in the cadaver lab this afternoon while all the other little kiddies were outside playing, performing a scrupulously careful dissection of the infratemporal fossa. With clearly distinguishable chorda tympani and mylohyoid nerves joining and branching from the lingual and inferior alveolar nerves, respectively. And a beautiful maxillary artery. All the fat has been removed, and muscles carefully resected (instead of haphazardly to create a mangled chaos like on the other side) towards their innervation, so that each is preserved in its proper place and easily moves apart to allow access to deep structures. I really like removing fat... there's just this great pleasure in pulling out globules and revealing the structures protected by the fat. Almost like unwrapping valuable presents! So getting back to knitting, my back hurts. And my hands really hurt. Apparently exercising a forceps and scalpel requires fine motor skills, whoddaknownit? So no knitting for now.
I took a walk through Princeton last weekend (also the Institute woods while it was snowing!) and it was still much the same. I was mostly there to see all the little red flags on the lawn for AIDS day and the red lights on Robertson Hall. About 2/3 of my class wore red to commemorate AIDS day last week, and it was moving and reassuring to see the sea of red in the lecture room upon walking in that morning. It's fitting for student doctors to acknowledge the issue en masse, and the shouldering of activism by this particular group is a promising sign.
Can't buy me love! :o)
10.11.5
Jacob wrote me a cool limerick which I thought should be shared:
"There once was a girl named milye
who thought that med school was thrilling
she studied all day
but to her dismay
her friend Jake still thinks she's just silly."
10.10.5
The weather is absolutely beautiful these last few days. I don't mean that the skies are blue or that the sun is shining. I mean that it's finally fall, the sky is a steely grey, and there's a crispness in the air. Every night it gets cooler and cooler; today, I've decided to put the down comforter on the bed so I can stop freezing in my sleep. Yesterday, I was a bit north-- just the slightest bit-- of here, in PA, and the trees were already turning there, just the first beginnings of orange and yellow. It sort of caught me off guard; it's like you can drive forward in time a few weeks!
10.7.5
I got this title from a lecture on treatments for leukemia in chembio. I would like it to be the title of my life:
"A Great Success Story
With
Room for Improvement"
"Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it. One should earn one's living by work of which one is sure one is capable. Only when we do not have to be accountable to anybody can we find joy in scientific endeavour."
Sitting by the window on a rainy day whilst nursing a cup of hot tea is something I do very well, so it is to my great satisfaction that I now return to that particular pastime.
10.4.5
There's this kid (age: 5-8?) who lives across the way from me who has one of those electric kiddie jeeps. It's Barbie-pink. I keep hearing a BANG! and looking up out my window to see that the kid has crashed the car head-on into a tree, yet again. It's not at all reassuring.
I'm back to the world of sanity, I think. Or semi-sanity. Last week, I got my new driver's license. I'd lost the old one and been driving without a license for about a month, besides the fact that I needed an address change on the license anyway. So I dragged myself down to the MVC (which turned out to be within quite a convenient distance) and waited for an hour with dozens of others in a crowded room. I whiled away the time examining the other people in the room, though I probably would have been better off studying my flashcards or something... and making up interesting stories about them. Like there was gruff, macho father with his teenage son getting his first license, who's keeping the fact that he's gay a secret from the world, and the the girl with her mom, who's trying to be her best friend. There were two men having a conversation in Chinese with a tinge of northern accent, a middle-aged man and his father, and I felt a sudden pang of familiarity and reminiscence-- I realized that I hadn't heard Chinese in a while, and that I missed it. I didn't know you could miss a language.
9.20.5 (II)
There was an article in the NY Times yesterday that seriously pissed me off. The title is "Many Women at Elite Colleges Set Career Path to Motherhood."
I don't presume to judge women who want to give up promising careers or a special ability to make a difference in the world in order to take care of their families... but what we need right now as a society is certainly not an emphasis on this particular behavior. Not because the choice itself is wrong, or detrimental, but because I don't believe society has yet progressed enough towards supporting those women who want to achieve brilliant careers yet. Women are certainly better than nannies at raising their children-- everyone knows that. But many people still don't know that women are also bright, intelligent, and creative-- and in half of all cases better than men at doing their jobs. We still haven't gotten to the point where the latter fact is accepted, so emphasizing the former point is, I feel, only drawing attention away from where it ought to be: on the women proving that they can do as well as men outside the home sphere.
For example: "Sarah Currie, a senior at Harvard, said many of the men in her American Family class last fall approved of women's plans to stay home with their children.
"A lot of the guys were like, 'I think that's really great,' " Ms. Currie said. "One of the guys was like, 'I think that's sexy.' Staying at home with your children isn't as polarizing of an issue as I envision it is for women who are in their 30's now.""
Of course men will think that's "sexy." Culturally, men don't have to deal with issues of balancing family and career (which does not mean that individual men never do: I am writing only to emphasize issues of cultural and societal pressure). You certainly don't see feature articles on how attitudes have changed toward stay-at-home dads-- they haven't much. Indeed, I think that a much more productive exercise would be to emphasize how we might change the cultural role of the father-- from the traditional distant figure to one equally involved in the making of a family. There's a lot of promise there-- why downplay the capability of the father role to adapt and strengthen the family as well?
The only positive aspect I can think of about this article is that it does begin to chip away at one of the double-jeopardy issues facing women: that firstly, there is a cultural expectation of the breadwinner man and homemaker woman, and secondly, the woman is not only expected to be a homemaker, but appraised to be less valuable because of it (the "stigma" of having "nothing better to do" than to say home). The trend shift described in the article suggests that at least the second issue has been dampened somewhat.
Finally, note that only the women with the highest education and socioeconomic status are discussed. We've still done nothing for the poor woman who is struggling to support her family-- both financially and emotionally.
oh... and give me a break... "American Family class"???!? What kind of bullshit major was _she_? (sorry... had to be gratuitous there... ;)
9.20.5 (I)
Things making me extremely happy this morning:
1) Thinking about the first time I ever had Irish oatmeal
2) www.knitty.com
3) Peet's coffee
4) Being done with my Anatomy exam
9.15.5
This is going to be a rather segmented update, for two reasons: 1) I haven't written properly in a while (actually, this problem would have been rectified had our Medical Ethics class been run the way I would have run it, with lots of papers and class discussion instead of lectures, but that's what I get for not being in charge), so I've probably forgotten how to segue, and 2) I'm not in a particularly organized mode of thought. I have my first set of exams next week. There's an article in this week's edition of NEJM about addressing the higher incidence of depression in the medical profession. Whatever else may be true, it is clear that medical professionals (and students) 1) come into the profession more prone to depression, simply because of the psyche that caused them to want to be doctors in the first place, and 2) are in an environment that exposes them to stresses that promote depression far more than your average Tom, Dick, or Harry. It's a great analogy to red blood cells. See, RBC's are 1) prone to oxidative stress, because of the sensitive compounds they carry, such as hemoglobin, and because of the fact that they have limited means of producing reducing agents, and 2) in an environment (the bloodstream) that exposes them to oxidizing agents far more than other cells in the body... I mean, their entire purpose in life is to carry oxygen, after all.
I also miss programming.
8.17.5
Blair gave me a box of chocolates for my birthday. They were See's Candies, which are just utterly delicious (and native to California, as an aside). They caused me to reflect... there are several different outside designs of the chocolates, but no guide to help you tell them apart. At first I thought they were all the same-- I ate about 6 or 7 and they were all plain chocolate truffle. But then I had a few more (no comments, please), and all were various varieties of fruit, even with the same design on the outside as the plain ones. At first I was a bit annoyed; then it became exciting! And then I realized that they'd done it on purpose, and that I was experiencing "life is like a box of chocolates..." and then I was thinking about how that actually is true. You might have 7 chocolate center ones and get all dulled into a feeling of complacency, and then WHAM! blueberry.
Our cadaver, in Anatomy class, is nicknamed Charlie. For me, it's actually strangely reassuring to look at his face, even though the order of dissection is to start in the back because it prevents the student from having to come face to face with the dead person immediately. I guess I think that's just a pretty wimpy way to think about it, that in order to be okay with what you're doing and learning, it is necessary to dehumanize the cadaver and not have to think about your own emotions in reference to it. To me, seeing his insides and then looking at his face and realizing that here is a person who really thought that what I am going through is worthy of his posthumous donation really makes me feel empowered and energized about my mission.
8.1.5
Lots of people like to wear nail polish. I don't. This is why I don't wear nail polish: First of all, nail polish takes time to apply. Once you've got it on (red, pink, glittery, whatever), you can probably leave it for a week or so without paying much attention to it. But after that, it starts to peel off, or get little nicks in it. Then it starts to get big nicks. At this point, the entire purpose of the nail polish is defeated, nullified, and shot in the head for good measure, because it no longer looks good. It just looks like you're a lazy bum with bad hygiene. So at this point, you have two options: 1) go ahead and look like a lazy bum with bad hygiene, or 2) spend a lot of time removing and reapplying nail polish. Who has time for that? I barely have time to keep my underwear supply properly clean (don't worry, though--I do).
7.25.5
The Carpenters sang, "Rainy days and Mondays always get me down." Luckily, there are no windows anywhere near my desk through which I might see the rainy day. This performs the double duty of shielding employees from the depression-inducing rain AND preventing any resultant self-defenestration. Fncking geniuses, those building planners.
7.13.5
I found a copy of my old, old website... and all of the humorous quotes in the first-ever edition of the quotery; I added them to the current quotery.
7.12.5
This is strangely intriguing:
NOAA would like to remind everyone: When facing a water-covered road remember: Turn Around, Don't Drown.
The next tropical storm/hurricane this season is named... Emily! They've started tracking me already. Wow... death and destruction... I bet you didn't know I was capable of that...
I should probably stop updating my webpage from work...
7.11.5
Let me tell you... having carpal tunnel syndrome absolutely sucks. Especially when your job involves sitting in front of a computer coding for 8 hours every day. And you have to start operating the mouse with your non-dominant hand. But you don't have to take MY word for it... go get CTS for yourself & find out.
Owch.
6.20.5
Entirely exhausted... and I don't even know why. It's probably just stress. Stupid stress crap.
Today was a very productive day. I came up with the word CHOCOSLEEPLATE, which combines many of the important things in life, such as CHOCOLATE, and SLEEP, and CHOCOLATE, oh, and SLEEP LATE. Yeah. That's a friggin awesome word. Chocosleeplate.
I'm becoming a half.com junkie. I just realized in the last couple of days that a lot of people don't know what half.com is. I suggest you go check it out-- it's awesome. It's eBay without the auction, but with the insanely cheap prices. I got 3 cds for 75 cents each last week, and several books for less than $4. My mom commented that I spend a lot of time and money on bargain books and music... I countered that at least it's not bargain clothes & makeup, or worse, bargain COCAINE...
6.12.5
Notice... the url up there has changed! That's because the brand-spanking-new milyehuang.com is up. New photos soon, and new photo gallery style... so many things to do with 4 GB of space...
6.11.5
Reading updated to current. I've been reading a lot; it's a positive side effect of commuting.
6.9.5
Lots of other interns have invaded Merck, and they make it a lot more fun to be there. They also have the side effect of pissing off some of the bitchy ladies on the bus in the morning, which just makes it so much better. Took a fishing trip yesterday; first time in years and years. We caught lots of seaweed, and I got lots of pictures-- but no fish.
You might have heard along the grapevine by now, but I lose this space pretty soon. Who are you anyway? I don't even know who actually reads this stuff. One day I'm going to put up a counter & find out that no one ever actually visits... hahahah. Well, I spent about $100 on a obsolescence prevention plan, and bought myself a new url and hosting space from bluehost.com... It'll take some work to get this all over there, maybe also to redo the design a bit, and this is after the system backups onto my shiny new Maxtor (sorry, had to brag) but with all of this crap to do every day who knows when that will actually happen. *shrug*
I've mastered Mathematica now (yeah, it only took 6 months, ha)... and I absolutely love it. You can write stuff like this in Mathematica (something I actually did today):
Plus@@#&/@%
and it actually means something. It means "Apply Plus to the parameter of a pure function, Mapped onto the result of the previous calculation." And for those who can appreciate that brevity is the soul of wit (remember those index-card programming competitions?), this is the greatest programming bon mot.
5.9.5
The uncanny ability of even the simplest systems to behave in an entirely chaotic manner:
"Every minute the machine marked the passing of a day by printing a row of numbers across the page. If you knew how to read the printouts, you would see a prevailing westerly wind swing now to the north, now to the south, now back to the north. Digitised cyclones spun slowly around an idealised globe. As word spread around the department, other meteorologists would gather around with the graduate students, making bets on what Lorenz's weather would do next. Somehow, nothing ever happened the same way twice."
-- James Gleick, Chaos: Making of a New Science (11-12), on the computational modeling of weather systems
5.6.5
Princeton's motto is "Dei sub numine viget," which means "It flourishes under the divine power of God."
Inscribed in large, noticeable letters on the obverse of our yearbook is the phrase "Dei sub nomine viget," which means "It flourishes under the name of God." OOPS.
Prompted the following amusing email exchange between myself and Katz:
M: Prof. Katz, you'll be amused by this. The rear cover of this year's yearbook says: "Dei Sub Nomine Viget" ... (at least it still makes grammatical sense :oP) JTK: Oh Lord... I guess it isn't numen's day... M: what can we expect, though... we _are_ in nomen's land.
5.2.5
Finished my thesis in time to watch Grey's Anatomy last night. This morning, got it bound and stamped and delivered. I would like to say for the record that MY ADVISOR KICKS YOUR ADVISOR'S ASS. Whomever your advisor may be.
42: it's the answer to the great question of life, the universe, and everything. Also the number of pages in my thesis. My thesis is the answer to the great question of life, the universe and everything. If I had double-spaced it, it would have been 65 pages long. Now I am going to stop blathering and go dye my hair purple.
5.1.5
I've officially gotten to the point where I'm losing things on my own desk.
4.24.5
About time...
I almost ate a cockroach on Friday. It was in my dinner... lucky I'm not squeamish or I would have had a fit or something. I just put a bite of food in my mouth, and was sort of surprised at the spiky texture so I spit it out, and boy was it a dead, cooked cockroach. About an inch and quarter long, too. Everyone was pretty grossed out, including the waiters. Well, it turned out to be a cool thing actually. The bug was in the biggest dish our group had ordered (the "family style" meal for 3 that I was sharing with Chrissy & Julia) and they brought out another and didn't charge us for it. They didn't charge us for our desserts either. So, in short, I got a free dinner for sampling a cockroach. Kickass!
The choir kicked ass.
Getting home was a stroke of luck. Chrissy and I got to Penn Station & saw that there was a train leaving at 10:09-- and it was 10:09. So we sprinted. Through the station, down the platform, along the train. And, to our amazement, we made it. When we arrived at Princeton Junction, we heard a familiar voice yelling "Hey Chrissy!" and turned around... there was Josue, and he offered us both a ride home in his cab. A better guardian angel couldn't have come at a better time.
3.19.5
Some scientific studies have shown that the sense of smell is closely linked to your memory. I don't know about the scientific details, but I definitely agree with that (at least for myself personally). In fact, (and I think this is counterintuitive though you may not), almost all of the senses recall memories more vividly than vision. I can smell just a whiff of an odor, and it puts me right back in the sticker store when I was eight and I was sniffing the fragranced ink pads for stamps, or even the odor of rotting leaves in a specific spot may remind me of the smell of the stairway in my grandparents' house in Taipei after the rain. It seems that smells almost always call up distinct, in-the-moment memories in which the smell was present.
Actually, come to think of it, maybe it's not so counterintuitive at all. After all, the sense of olfaction is based on very specific combinatorial properties of an odor molecule with different receptors in the nose, whereas hearing is more complicated (frequency & intensity of soundwaves) and vision is even MORE complicated--requiring several levels of complex processing. It doesn't really take too many bits to store a memory of odor in its entirety, whereas it takes many more to preserve an image (and we generally don't even think of visual memories in terms of still images--they're moving pictures, which results in an even higher space requirement). Hmm, so maybe it makes sense after all.
yeah. Anyway... back to coding.
3.8.5
I came across a sign in the bakery that had "mango mousse" spelled incorrectly, so it inspired this:
3.6.5
A beautiful afternoon, sunny and redolent of spring except that half of the bright sunlight is actually reflected off the snow still covering the ground... Shots fired outside; they are from the rifle range about a mile away. Searching for some pictures of the Tarim Basin, I found this wonderful travel log: http://www.madinpursuit.com/pakistan/enter_pakistan.htm. I haven't read the whole of it (it's rather long) but it's very interesting.
3.5.5
It's time for spring fever, and that means that I have been reading a bit of Robert Frost. Finished another wool hat today, and am already partway through a tweed one. I've been drinking lots of tea and thinking about the meaning of life lately, but must confess that I'm getting a bit tubby around the middle, just like Horace ;o)
To the Thawing Wind
Come with rain, O loud Southwester!
Bring the singer, bring the nester;
Give the buried flower a dream;
Make the settled snowbank steam;
Find the brown beneath the white;
But whate'er you do tonight,
Bathe my window, make it flow,
Melt it as the ice will go;
Melt the glass and leave the sticks
Like a hermit's crucifix;
Burst into my narrow stall;
Swing the picture on the wall;
Run the rattling pages o'er;
Scatter poems on the floor;
Turn the poet out of door.
-- Robert Frost, A Boy's Will (1913)
2.24.5
I got this warning message while working in Matlab:
Warning: checkLine: Invalid line (1043) should be in the range [0,965] Exception occurred during event dispatching: java.lang.IllegalArgumentException: Invalid index (1043) should be in the range [0,965] at com.mathworks.util.IntBuffer.checkHelper(IntBuffer.java:376) at com.mathworks.util.IntBuffer.checkIndex(IntBuffer.java:370) at com.mathworks.util.IntBuffer.getAt(IntBuffer.java:311) at com.mathworks.mwt.text.LineMgr.getLineStart(LineMgr.java:77) at com.mathworks.mwt.text.MWTextModel.getLineStart(MWTextModel.java:487) at com.mathworks.mwt.text.MWTextView.posFromPixelX(MWTextView.java:2669) at com.mathworks.mwt.text.MWTextView.posFromPixel(MWTextView.java:2724) at com.mathworks.mwt.text.MWTextView.posFromPixel(MWTextView.java:2714) at com.mathworks.mwt.text.MWTextView.handleCursor(MWTextView.java:1439) at com.mathworks.mwt.text.MWTextView.access$22(MWTextView.java:1415) at com.mathworks.mwt.text.MWTextView$MouseEventHandler.mouseMoved(MWTextView.java:5289) at java.awt.Component.processMouseMotionEvent(Unknown Source) at com.mathworks.mwt.text.MWTextView$TextCanvas.processMouseMotionEvent(MWTextView.java:6816) at java.awt.Component.processEvent(Unknown Source) at java.awt.Component.dispatchEventImpl(Unknown Source) at java.awt.Component.dispatchEvent(Unknown Source) at java.awt.LightweightDispatcher.retargetMouseEvent(Unknown Source) at java.awt.LightweightDispatcher.processMouseEvent(Unknown Source) at java.awt.LightweightDispatcher.dispatchEvent(Unknown Source) at java.awt.Container.dispatchEventImpl(Unknown Source) at java.awt.Window.dispatchEventImpl(Unknown Source) at java.awt.Component.dispatchEvent(Unknown Source) at java.awt.EventQueue.dispatchEvent(Unknown Source) at java.awt.EventDispatchThread.pumpOneEventForHierarchy(Unknown Source) at java.awt.EventDispatchThread.pumpEventsForHierarchy(Unknown Source) at java.awt.EventDispatchThread.pumpEvents(Unknown Source) at java.awt.EventDispatchThread.run(Unknown Source)
2.21.5
Updated the style of the photo galleries, and added lots of contents in SINGLES section (including juggling pics!)
2.9.5
It's one of those days... the type where you go for a pencil and accidentally pull out a knife, you know?
I cut down on my course load this semester to work on my thesis some more. So far, the tactic has most definitely not worked. Unless you're a potential employer looking at this. In which case... may I direct you to my Research page?
1.31.5
PsychoVigilante!
just thought that was a cool word.
1.30.5
1.17.5
I made a lovely smooth curve to fit drug concentration data today. Yay!
Here are some tests for the Juggling club poster. Their theme is "Matrix." When I say test, I mean test (i.e., not perfect!!)
Don as Morpheus
Lev as the Agent
1.13.5
Am currently memorizing every fact about the retinal clock pineal path. A fuzzy woolen hat with earflaps for Darren is in the making.
Today I went to the "about" section and clicked on my link to NJMTA (New Jersey Music Teachers' Association) and found that they've changed their web address from www.njmta.org to www.njmta.com. This means that for as long as this change has been in effect, I have been directing readers to New Jersey Motor Truck Association. Heh.
1.6.5
I received my brand spanking new Wacom Intuos 3 graphics tablet in the mail today. It is the most amazing computer peripheral I have ever owned. It turns Photoshop into an _art studio_. I can't believe I've been missing out on this for so long! The only downside to this is that I have to wait until at least after Dean's date to play with it for real :o(
I found a pattern by which to crochet myself a hat. Will also find a pattern to knit one as well, and am going to make myself some long, thin scarves or belts. Yay for yarn!
1.3.5
(very early in the morning...) Today I was personally touched by the curse that is LITTLE-ENDIAN. Why in the WORLD would you store your data with the least significant byte first? That's like walking around on your hands. That's like trying to drive a car upside down or trying to fall into space. That's like taking the layers of a wedding cake and stacking them from smallest to largest. There are some things that are just silly, and make no sense, and make people spend hours in frustration trying to figure out why their DataInputStreams are reading berserk things when they should be reading nice normal integers. And therefore shouldn't be done.
Java programmers unite for BIG-ENDIAN!
12.30.4
I LOVE ARRAYLISTS!
And broken links in graphic design fixed, and courses updated.
Ok so I admit it-- I wrote a script a while ago that automatically creates my galleries from the directory structure... but it looks mad ugly. But it saves me a lot of hand html-ing. So I apologize for the ugliness of the photography section (in case anyone actually looks at this site, and some subset of that group is offended) until I make it prettier.
12.16.4
What sort of snack is high in Potassium and comes in an easy-to-open, 100% eco-friendly biodegradable package?
You guessed it... a banana!
12.15.4
Something interesting happened to me on the train today. I was too late to the station to buy a ticket, so I had to buy one on the train. I was standing in the vestibule because there were no seats, when the conductor came by and asked for tickets. It was very crowded. Very embarassed and apologetic, I said, "I don't have a ticket, so I have to buy one." And the conductor said, "What are you doing? You just handed me your ticket." So I replied, "no, I didn't," since I hadn't yet. And he said, "Oh, I thought you just handed me one." The lady standing near me said, "Yeah, I thought so too!" So now that we were all thoroughly flustered, he got out his receipt book and asked me what sort of ticket I wanted. I wanted a round-trip ticket, since it would be cheaper that way. Then I opened my wallet but I realized I only had enough cash left for a one-way ticket. So I said so. And the conductor started putting away his receipt book, and said "Why don't I come back after you get yourself situated." Thinking he didn't get it at all... I tried to assert that I could just buy a one-way ticket, and he said, again, VERY pointedly, "Why don't I come back after you get yourself situated..." and went on past, leaving me pretty flustered.
Now, I realized that this conductor, from the very beginning ("You already gave me your ticket") was trying to just let me slip through. So sometimes, I try to be this stupid honest goody two-shoes, when, in fact, it's actually easier for everyone if I just slide instead. So I think it's pretty funny... sometimes, the right thing to do IS bend the rules, and when you don't act like all the other people would act in the situation, you look stupid, even if you're doing the "right" thing. Because it's not "right" anymore. It's like a marshmallow morality. Push it and it squishes. (That metaphor isn't mine, it's John Devine's.)
I think that the other people around me must have thought I was just pretty damn stupid.
12.14.4
There was this great, impressive medic on my first call last night. She just knew everything. And amazingly, my Chinese also came in useful. We had an old man who spoke not a word of English, and the poor dear was so confused and disoriented. And our supercool medic convinced me to try to coax him to take his arm out of the sleeve in Chinese. As soon as he heard stuff he could understand, boy you should have seen the change on his face.
All in all, I imagine that making him feel happy or making me feel happy because I'm not completely useless was relatively unimportant given the emergency, but it's something. I did leave with a lingering feeling of embarassment and self-doubt about my lingual ability, though. I didn't know how to say "Have you been feeling week at all?"
11.4.4
I was going to write a long thing about how my country isn't the country I thought it was, but actually I decided not to (& you can read Thomas Friedman's op-ed in the NY Times if you want to hear about that. People tell me he's much more eloquent than I). I decided that I have just two words to say...
Hillary,
2008!!
:oP
10.29.4
Two days ago, my backyard was a riot of birds. We had house finches and purple finches and goldfinches jostling at the thistle feeder, and swarms of robins fighting near the hill... swarms of migrants, too (although I couldn't tell what they were). A pair of cardinals (mates, by the look of them) came gallumphing around on the ground, there were chickadees hanging upside down from the suet, and three very noisy blue jays. I saw a red-tailed hawk. And the highlight of the morning was a pair of carolina wrens just perched on our deck chairs.
But last night was amazing, with this full moon. At 2 AM I couldn't fall asleep because of some strange hooting sounds outside, & when I opened the blinds, I saw the silhouette of a great horned owl perched on the top of the pine tree on the hill outside my window. A great huge thing... at least a foot and half long, probably more.
Darren & I went to see this existential comedy thing, "I <3 Huckabees," today. We were totally taken by it. In fact, we were the only people in the theater going into fits of laughter at every single joke. Anyway, if you get a kick out of slapstick philosophy, you ought to check it out ;o). Helps to understand the interconnectedness of the universe.
Not that I understand the anything of anything. I'm still trying to figure out the proofs that my algorithm runs in O(2(dim(S)log(delta)) blah blah blah.
oh, and by the way, blah blah.
10.18.4
I had a call for a structure fire at 3 am this morning that turned out to be a pile of burning newspapers in someone's garage.
Did standby at my high school's homecoming football game. Carl and Mel explained football to me, and as far as I can tell, it's basically just a game of attrition. My high school got creamed 31-0, and it was raining. But it's no wonder they have an ambulance standing by at football games... some of the things those they were doing on the field had me seriously convinced that spines were going to be snapped! I have to admit it was disorienting to be near high school again. The juxtaposition of violent masculinity and pubescent femininity was startling. I forgot my camera, too.
10.12.4
Fixed broken links in Work section.
10.6.4
"The truth is not what you can fool yourself into believing."
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/10/06/opinion/06kris.html
9.21.4
Armed with a buttercutter and fresh blueberries, I plan to bake scones today.
I watched a lecture on GMO foods yesterday. I don't really have an opinion either way on them, but the lecturer obviously did. She also addressed us (including the faculty who asked questions) like elementary school children. I think she did more damage for her case than good, at least with me, by treating the (often valid) arguments against her case as if they either didn't exist or were simplistically dismissible. Even someone without a thorough background in the politics, risk, and payoff associated with the topic knows that this is hardly ever the case. You prove your case by presenting all of the evidence and arguments and showing why your side is better, not by dismissing the other side and putting spin on your words. Or maybe you don't... and you end up being President.
Also, what I'm reading.
9.11.4
Our township had a September 11th candlelight vigil. On September 10th. ehr...
8.11.4
Today is Daddy's birthday, which means that we called him in Rochester at 7 in the morning to sing to him. As far as I'm concerned, it's shaping up to be a lovely day, full of summer hot.
I ran for first time in a while yesterday, then again today. I played cello last night-- Kol Nidrei (for High Holidays) so basically my legs and my arms hurt. But there are raspberries to be picked, and problems to be solved, and those crickets are pretty damn good singers.
Last Friday, I went to see Peter Mulvey for the first time in 3 years. He recognized me without any prompting, from playing cello at a campfire, said my playing moved Dr. Vladi and him, that's why he remembered me. It's good he went on to do amazing things in the meanwhile. Hopefully I'll, too.
8.10.4
gawrsh, it shure sounds bee-yoo-tiful out there, with the night insects singing in the whisprin trees.
Things coming soon: postcards, maybe some more (good) photography (not the sucky stuff I've been putting up lately), posters, maybe some other shtuff.
Oh here is a book recommendation: read "When the Air Hits Your Brain," by Frank Vertosick. It's a play on the first rule of neurosurgery, "You ain't never the same when the air hits your brain." Not for the faint of heart, but a powerful account, and I'll be proud if I'm half the man that Vertosick is someday when I practice medicine.
7.7.4
I had Afghani food at a little restaurant on St. Mark's place today. Then we went to the only supermarket in NY where B&J's costs less than 4.50 a pint (5 for 2 pints) and got a coupla pints. It's too bad my freezer sucks (well actually it doesn't literally _suck_, and in fact, if it did, it would probably be more efficient at keeping things cold according to gas laws).
On a less whiny note, Oscar Wilde rules and Larren and Dev are both obsessed with Harry Potter, so life is not so bad at all right now.
4.11.4
I cut the closest Dean's Day ever, today, barely making it in time. I was contemplating the mechanism behind that, but then I decided to stop. I think that perhaps what we all need is a good long hibernation. You know, just a couple of weeks ago, I saw a hateful squirrel outside stealing from our bird feeder, and my first instinct was to go to the knife drawer and grab a knife. No kidding. Before I knew it, I was standing at the door with a knife in my hand, and I wasn't even fully conscious of how I'd gotten it. I'd like to add, though, for those who now think I'm dangerous and disturbed, that it was only a Granny's parer. HA!
You know, it's not right for us to go through life breaking whatever we make.
4.2.4
GUESS WHO FINISHED HER JP a whole day early!
And got her EMT cert. yay!
3.29.4
The Klezmocrats are on Liberty Science Center's website!!!! dude!
"The Klezmocrats Live at Liberty Science Center
Sunday, April 11; 12:30 PM & 1:15 PM
Two performances in Joseph D. Williams Science Theater. First-come, first-served.
Talented klezmer musicians from Princeton University perform traditional klezmer music in the style brought to America from Eastern Europe at the turn of the 20th century with a touch of their own creative flair. Derived from the Hebrew words “klei zemer,” which mean “vessels of song,” klezmer music has served religious and secular roles in Eastern Europe, with its most common image as that of its role in Jewish weddings."
(->click)
3.23.4
Forget an alarm clock... I woke up to an emergency first aid tone this morning. At 6:20. uuuuugh.
3.19.4
I'm going to NYU to work on neuroscience for the summer! hooray!
and recordings from our klez concert are here. I'm the solo in the first recording :o).
2.26.4
"concatenation
The process of gluing one cat's nose to another cat's tail. Also, a similar operation on two strings."
-- Programming Perl (teehee)
2.23.4
Gave it to some kid who needs hair.
2.22.4
Spielberg put it best :o)
"John Nash was at our concert.
John Nash, AND MORE THAN 520 OTHER PEOPLE!!!"
2.17.4
Today, we picked up someone from the train station in an ambulance. We took him home with us, instead of to the hospital.
1.30.4
A new section exists about work related stuff.
1.15.4
JACOB WEISS, YOU ARE COOL.
1.12.4
Today was the last day of the lame duck state legislature session. A few interesting bills were passed today:
- A law that lowers the drunk driving BAC from 0.1% to 0.08%. The federal government has indicated that if states do not subscribe to the 0.08% standard, they will lose federal highway funding. As one legislator put it, this "amounts to blackmail, since New Jersey is a state in which we have as many roads as ...trees."
- A law that outlaws the usage of hand-held phones while driving. This law is virtually meaningless, however, since it is punishable as a secondary offense only; meaning that you can only be charged of this offense after you've been pulled over for a primary offense (speeding, etc.). This situation is reminiscent of the seat belt laws of about a decade ago, which were also first implemented as secondary offenses, and at first failed miserably to correct the problem.
- The Governor signed into law a bill allowing same-sex couples civil unions, meaning that they may be licensed for the same rights and responsibilities as heterosexual couples. These civil unions can also be utilized by domestic (heterosexual) partners over the age of 62. NJ is the 5th state in the nation to do so. This move is, of course, going to be fought vehemently through the courts by stupid people, on the basis that it's age discrimination.
And dude... check this out: the Blueberry is now the official State Fruit of NJ. I don't understand why they didn't choose the tomato! Governor McGreevey had this to say about the new State Fruit:
"If it weren't for the commitment and civic involvement of the students at Veterans Memorial, New Jersey would still be without a state fruit. I want to thank them and their teachers for proving that when you believe in something, you can make a difference through government."
Oh... I love you, New Jersey.
1.10.4
I found a memo from God.
12.29.3
My first-ever cake baking experience turned out to be a success today. I made a birthday/anniversary layer cake with homemade from scratch everything for Billy & my parents (I'll leave it to you to figure out who had the birthday and who had the anniversary...).
I also visited Alex Bacelar's shop to look at cellos with Josh Stevens. It's been a while since I saw Alex. It's been a longer while since I saw Josh. Alex still remembers my name, where I go to school, what cello I bought from him 7 years ago... Josh is still so tall it's ridiculous, bakes his own bread, crochets his own socks... and the cellos still sound beautiful.
*sigh* It's uplifting to know that some good things don't change.
12.25.3
I am no Man!
That's my favorite part of that, and if you don't know what that is, then you need to get in and read more.
---
I just had a conversation with Lev in which he found himself saying "since they aren't gonna really more anything and like do whatever," and I found myself saying "well I guess I'll do the second one? since it's what's done in arizona."
hmm...
12.24.3
New sections about independent work (under "words") and some new pictures in the p.o.d. archives.
12.9.3
I got summoned for jury duty today, and it makes me feel like a mature and responsible citizen. My mom immediately started thinking of ways I could duck it, but I'm thinking it might be interesting to participate. It's after my finals, anyway. It got me thinking about my moral responsibility to judge my peers, and in the case that I'm accused of doing something wrong, their moral responsibility to judge me equitably. Now, suddenly, I'm very very frightened by the prospect of a trial by jury because my peers are actually rather stupid and could easily be led to the wrong conclusions by a crafty piper. The idea of being judged by a group of your peers thus brings back scary memories of being beaten up in elementary school. (just kidding, I was never beaten up in elementary school. I did the beating up.)
I visited East Pyne for the first time post-renovation yesterday. It's completely different on the inside, and it's really crazy. The entire building is so open! It's pretty, but Katz was right about the really ludicrous design, in which the floors don't quite make it all the way to the walls. I wonder what silly person thought of that... Katz has an olliephantmobile hanging in his office.
I'm very tired right now, tired of the sort when you are so tired that you aren't even sleepy but only half functioning anyway so you might as well go to sleep, but then you can't sleep anyway, so you just sit, spiraling deeper and deeper into tiredness. :o)
I shall now go through my code again, in the vain hope that commenting it thoroughly will make it majickally work.
12.7.3
Ma Yofus...
It means "how beautiful."
---
I did a good deed for numerous people I don't know today.
11.30.3
I went to the supermarket to buy cranberry juice today, hoping that getting out of the house would relieve this weight that's sitting on me a bit. I saw how everywhere people are living their lives without regard for what their actions mean. Without any regard for building a sustainable future. Squandering and wasting what's valuable, all to create some artificial semblance of a real life, one that's taught to us by misguided sources such as advertising and pop culture. It made me want to cry. I realized that we humans have managed to populate this entire earth without even thinking about how what we do affects our future. Three things in particular triggered the reaction: 1) I thought of people who do whatever the hell they please without thought for what it entails for the rest of the human race. 2) I saw a field strewn with garbage bags, and wondered if the person responsible even _cared_ enough to clean it up? Or even to take steps to assure that it would never happen again? 3) I bought 4 items in the store and the cashier gave me 3 plastic bags for them, as if it were no concern of either of ours whether or not that was wasteful. Would it really cost me that much energy to bring bags in to the market to bag with? I guess it wouldn't; maybe I'd just look a little less cool. That seems to be the problem with humanity these days. We're all too caught up in how damn cool we are.
Maybe I'm just ranting, but I have a point, and I hope that anyone who reads it will also try to live a little less wastefully and a lot more consciously. Living a conscious lifestyle doesn't just mean being conscious of negative effects, however. We ought to be just as keenly aware of the positive balance of things-- the way the sun slants in a window, the way the wind whistles in cracks. What's more is that these things, true beauty, are absolutely, positively free of charge, unlike the artificial goods we have mistakenly learned to associate with beauty. Consciousness is all that truly matters. And, NO, we're not so damn cool that we can afford to expend our energy on creating an artificial measure of how cool we are and trying to measure up to it with hot rods and high heels. We keep telling ourselves that we're good enough, reaching towards this fake ideal, when in fact we're really not. It's time to get real, because until we throw off our delusions about what is truly good, we will only be able to _think_ we're good enough, but never _be_ good enough.
I will be bringing bags to the supermarket from now on. Would you do it?
11.29.3
I put my copy of the 73 group pic from 2003 up in case anyone wants it. It's in black and white.
11.25.3
KAVERI IS COMING KAVERI IS COMING
pull out all the stops!!!!!!!!
11.24.3
Turbogreek fits in my schedule so snugly that 'twould be a pity to have to surgically remove it...
Got the nicest rose tea today, from holsome, and what else can I say about this day except that it's time to work and that Maitland Jones says the funniest things in his lecture? And that Darren is really really wonderful amazing lovely? (yeah, YOU, Geist.)
11.23.3
Chrissy and I made scones for breakfast this morning. They turned out so amazingly well that Prof. Katz ate 3 of them! We also had my carrot bread (with cranberries walnuts and apricots) which ended up turning out really well. We also made a great honeyed pear/plum/orange fruit salad and herbed eggs. All in all, really delicious. And great company :o).
I am being tempted to take turbogreek next semester.
Now I'm working on AI and hopefully I'll put some pictures up later.
11.21.3
How about that weather! I had a brilliant idea today as I was leaving Halo Pub. I think that they should allow us to bring in our own cups and give us discounts if we do. It would be good for the environment (instead of throwing away all those paper cups), especially for us "regulars." ;)
Tomorrow I am going to make carrot bread with cranberries. Hopefully this will turn out better than last week's batch.
Moses supposes his toeses are roses...
but Moses supposes erroneously...
(Despite frequent dares I still don't have the courage to say that ditty to Charikar, whom I hope never managed to find this page).
11.19.3
What beautiful weather today, and even though I'm tired and overworked, I managed to stay awake and cheerful all day. Got sopped on the walk from orgo to 2D in the morning, and stayed sopping wet all through ai and lunch... keeping my chin up, though. I missed full marks on my last math pset by the five points I lost for forgetting to do a problem that would have taken 2 minutes. grr.
11.17.3
The highlight of my day today was chasing Aileen around 2D with a fork while she screamed at the top of her lungs. Actually, also seeing 3 glow in the dark juggling balls turn on and start juggling in the dark after my orgo test would have to tie with that. And the halo ice cream was better.
and here's a picture of me with the president. Now how about that.
11.16.3
I've never hated a week this much in my life. It makes me want to scream.
Well, there are like 2 pictures in the picture gallery now.
*sigh*
11.11.3
I put up the quotery, but it's really measly right now.
"It's a cruel season that makes you go to bed before it's dark outside."
--Calvin
I think winter's much crueler, though.
I've also decided never to let my children have a dog. Dogs are annoying. They can have as many cats as they want, but _no_ dogs. Alright, time to go think about vectorization.
---
Waiting in line for Whose Line tickets was quite fun yesterday; despite the 7:30 am gather time. Did you know that Dave's first reflex upon having a foreign object placed above his mouth while he's sleeping is to ingest it? Luckily for him, this time the foreign object was a piece of pumpkin bread. You might not be so lucky next time, Dave...
11.9.3
As I was about to go to bed last night at 2:15, I climbed under the covers and thought to myself, "ah, I'll read myself a bedtime story." I reached for the nearest thing, which happened to be called "Similarity Estimation Techniques from Rounding Algorithms."
And I felt my sanity sliding away slowly...
11.8.3
In terms of irony, tonight's events were of farcical proportions. I was all excited about the lunar eclipse and my brother and I ran to my room to get out the telescope. I cut my hand pretty badly on some sharp edges in the closet while getting the telescope out, and had to go to the hospital. Missed the climax of the eclipse.
Can't really type now, either. poop.
11.2.3
I have the most amazing self control.
10.31.3
Well, I put this whole new website up. Isn't that an accomplishment for today? No photo galleries yet, but we're getting there.
10.29.3
Lev on implementing Vanilla WalkSat:
"i need a good solver. and vanilla sucks. i need a chocolate satsolver."
heheh. I couldn't have said it better myself ;o)
---
And don't you know it.
/* cause it's good to stand up straight. */
I like the rain today.
10.27.3
Lang Lang was great! And then we met his mom. Mrs. Lin introduced us to her and then said, "They are very excellent pianists, sister and brother!"
Come on Mrs. Lin........ you're talking to Lang Lang's mother :oP
10.26.3
Em: I must look like I have no life, sitting on aim all day. But I'm programming; that's why.
Rich: doesn't that mean you still don't have a life?
"Oh my god, not that guy again!!"
-- my dad, on Strongbad, in Chinese
10.25.3
My house sounds like a conservatory. Piano downstairs, violin upstairs. My pedal foot is green where the bottom of the foot oxidizes the brass on the pedal. I wonder if the pedals on the piano will someday vanish from the constant use and oxidation; that would be funny, wouldn't it?
Chopin needed quite a bit of work (actually, as it turned out, just a little tweak that made all the difference), but Beethoven was pretty good yesterday. Chopin got quite a makeover today. My arms are tired. Feels good.
---
btw, I just got this new .emacs file from the cs217 directory that makes my emacs environment pretty colors. It's _really_ nice if you're programming on arizona; it color codes all of the fns and types and stuff and has an "indent-all" function. If you want it cd to your home directory after you've logged in and type exactly this: "cp /u/cs217/.emacs ." -- and you'll see pretty colors, too!
10.23.3
I lost most of the good pictures from my last cameraful. Here's one that is ok, but there was a more beautiful one that I'll never get to share with you.
---
Maybe better times are around the corner. Maybe they're not. Either way, you choose the hard path for a reason, and it should be lofty enough to justify these hard times.
Chin up, soldier.
Dropping drawing to make time for AI. Trying to learn how to be better. Maybe it won't make me happy now, but I'll do something right someday and achieve a more satisfying happiness. I've already done some things right. None of them were necessarily easy.
---
Doing my "colloquium" tomorrow night. Chopin and Beethoven in Mathey common room. 8:30 pm.
10.20.3
I wore the grass stained pants today, and added black and white marks from drawing class. It takes me back to the days of my youth, when I was just a carefree little boy running around in the fields behind the house.
We worked with oil bars, and I fell in love with the black one. I had an uncontrollable urge to just cover the entire sheet of paper in black. Darren would have been so proud.
What else happened today? I'm not inclined to think that today was very interesting, but it was actually rather eventful. Weird. Moses Charikar talked to me for 2 hours about my independent work. It's so nice to know that there are teachers out there who actually care.
Tomorrow will be nice, I think.
10.19.3
Thanks to a post-klezmer tackling match, I have grass stains on my pants, for the first time in several years. Truly a red-letter day!! AND, there is hope yet for my piano playing. hoopla hoopla hoopla wheeeeee! (emily war cry)
10.17.3
"What we lack in brains, we make up for in lack of brains!!"
--Richard, in orgo
One-eyed one-horned flying purple people eater...
And I made avgolemono for my family.
10.15.3
I have the "You can make it if you try... Da Da Da" song stuck in my head.
---
later...
Another excellent Anna Quindlen article.
I made it.
10.13.3
Today's.
Just remember: a spoon-ful of sugar makes the medicine go down...
10.12.3
I had the strangest sensation while sitting in Ryan's car yesterday. This morning I realized that it was because I haven't listened to happy music in a while.
Ah, well, but I must remind myself to
keep that chin up, soldier.
I'm going to start posting pictures again. Let's start with this one.
--
I've learned a couple of lessons from my AI homework, and I'd like to share them.
1. You always have to make your OWN winning move. No one else makes it for you.
2. If I have returned to a state I've been in already, that means that I've been through a loop. I could possibly go somewhere better, but at least I won't go anywhere worse.
10.11.3
It's often too easy to forget that your mortality is right next to you.
- and -
There are some things even a hot cup of tea won't fix.
"Okay, let's get our cook on!"
-- Induuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuubitably